Friday, March 6, 2009

Soldier of Fortune, Inc.

This movie is brought to you by the awesome producers of The Rock, Armageddon, and Con Air. Two of these movies were directed by Explosion-Merchant Michael Bay. They were all produced by his highness, Jerry Bruckheimer. I have learned that Claude+"from the producers of..."+ 2 unattributed pull-quotes = really, really bad movie.

Here is what recommends it from the cover:
  • Buncha Q-list actors scowling in paramilitary regalia.
  • "Off the Richter Scale of excitement"
  • "This team totally rocks"
  • A Bruckheimer film

Ok, so a little bit of googling reveals this as a TV show that got renamed "Special Ops Forces" in the second season. The second season also added the super trendy for 1998 Dennis Rodman as some sort of Warrant Officer. This show clearly jumped the shark in the second season. Also, there seems to be a sort of rabid fan base for this show.

"Facts" and "reality" doesn't keep me from making fun of stuff, so here I go.

This movie (or likely pilot) takes place in exactly 4 places: At a beach volleyball game (Bikinis!), a naval hospital (which I don't get since these guys operate outside of the US government so why do they get treated at a military facility), a Mexican hacienda (exotic), and the Lair of the Soldiers of Fortune (they have a computer and some white boards for stragetizing sessions.)

Because we spend the first 35 minutes of this 98 minuted adventure flashing back to the same exact footage, I'll describe that.

These soldiers; Major Issues, Flattop, Woman, Limey, and Chance; are an elite crew of ex military that formed a little Blackwater team. There's only five of them so they are totally members of the small business association. They are tasked with rescuing a kidnapped daughter of a Cartel kingpin who just turned states witness. They go, and are totally destroyed. We get to watch this six (6) times between cuts of Major Issues watching all his team suffer in the hospital. Flattop gets blinded by a bucket of acid the eeevil cartel folks huck at him. Woman gets shot. Limey blows himself up. Chance gets all shot up in the legs. We see no less than 4 times each: The cartel Ford Taurus, a pool, slo-mo men menacingly drag a woman in a peasant blouse around (daughter of kingpin), Flattop walk around a car (token "cartel" Mercedes), Limey count off until explosion that's a dud, slo-mo Woman get shot in the neck, Major Issues yelling and trying to get his people safe, a slo-mo helicopter evac, slo-mo medical personnel coming to retrieve folks.

The seventh time, though, of seeing the same damn footage, the Bruck changes it up. Now, it Major Issues who is hurt and his team is safe. Whoa. This means the last 30 minutes of this experience was a total lie. Strike 1.

Then we see the whole scene at the hacienda again to make sure we, the audience, get what really happened. Strike 2.

A doctor, because he has a white coat on, speaks in some vague medical terms about Major Issues' injuries. He has a loss of vascular integrity, damage to the femoral artery, and a tremendous aneurysm. The team broods while healing from their various burns and scratches with warp speed. Flattop rides his stars n' stripes motorpickle to a church. (I should mention that Flattop's name is Billy Raye and says stuff like 'pappy,' 'hombre' and refers to the priest as 'padre.') Chance boxes anghstily. Woman goes to target practice and shoots, broodingly. Limey drinks (yay, stereotypes) and chews toothpicks.

Somehow, team awesome all decide they need some revenge and all converge on Major Issues who is wheelchair bound and sad. They bring him gifts. Let's play a matchy game of who brings what!

1. Flattop a. Whiskey
2. Woman b. Kentucky fried chicken bukket
3. Limey c. nothing (or Muskeg harpy can't remember)
4. Chance d. Playboy magazine

Answers: who cares! Strike 3!

Serious Oakley glasses-tearing-off-faces histrionics ensue. Major Issues thinks looking in the past is dumb. But since his team is also dumb they ignore this. They will not be stopped. Unfotunately they guy, Xavier Trout, who is their gov't contact (most likely a contracting officer or a COR) freezes all their accounts. "We can't even use the ATM," obviousses Woman. So they have a Soldier of Fortune, Inc. yard sale. Seriously, they're selling weights and back issues of soldier of fortune magazine or whatever to finance their illegal, international revenge. Flattop even pawns his Dodge Duelly. awww.

Since the revenge krew is out planning, we get to watch Major Issues' mostly shirtless recovery montage! Woot! He's learning to walk with his PT named Rico and a totally unprofessional naval doctor named Grace. Grace is more of a plot point than a character. She does get two good lines, though:
  1. "There's physical therapy and there's physical therapy!" when she slithers mostly nekked into the PT pool. (She is a lieutenant in the Navy frolicking in a pool, in a hospital with a patient)
  2. "You fix things and I feel things. I wish you could fix what I feel." After Major Issues sez he's going to join his krew on the revenge mission.
Grace also helps Major Issues shave because knee injuries mean that you can't shave yourself anymore.

Krew Inc. all slo-mo to a helicopter, in totally inconspicuous red, to take off to the hacienda of repeats. Rico, the PT 'n special forces double-major tags along. They totally kick ass and get the kingpin thanks to:
  • The sewer cap-explosive devices laid by Limey (you should have heard the Dirty Fisherman hoot about that)
  • gas masks
  • a plan
  • The ability for all five to time travel to the air field before the bad guys (even though the bad guys left first) and effectively hide on a Cessna.
Xavier Trout, COR, rolls up in a Lincoln Towncar to Major Issues and talks about the successful capture of kingpin. They exchange winky-dialogue that ensures that they both know that the other knows that they know. Top Gun ripoff music takes us to the credits.

This show has a fanbase. I'm scared to look into this.

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