Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Claudes: Seamart 1$ rentals

There is something about a movie you can rent for $1. It makes is very easy to watch that moderately embarrassing Rom-com or Seann William Scott vehicle (not that I've done that). Yes, the harpy-fisherman household spends a few dollars at Seamart, the grocery store that's so much more. [So, one time the lights of the S-E were out on their sign, so it said Amart. This pleased me immensely since I refer to this store as Butt-mart. I am clever.]

Recently, all the "old" movies at SeaMart were changed to $1 2-day rentals. It's worth watching all sorts of crap for $1. Seagal, Diesel, and Cage all made an appearance on our luxurious 19" screen.

Without further ado, here is a synopsis of 3 awesome movies we saw recently!

Pistol Whipped. Starring everyone's favorite misogynistic Buddhist Mr. Steven Seagal! Seagal plays some schlub who's a bit down on his luck. He owes money all over town and is in a relatively difficult financial situation. He manages, however, to drive a silvery range rover and live in a lovely craftsman style house. Due to some poor choices in cards and life, he owes money. He is also a highly trained assassin who has to go back to work to pay his debts. He is not a quiet, surgical assassin. He is the mess your mobbed-up stereotype ass in a restaurant type.

Seagal was married and had a kid in this movie. His ex-wife's new husband was his ex-partner on "the force." Back story just gets in the way of Seagal kickin the crap out of people. Which he still does in the slappy sort of way a fat, orange, squinty has been does. It's not real pretty. He gets the girl. The girl here is some sort of spy-ish operative that drives a suburban and used to be a graphic designer. I'll wrap this up with this witty post coital dialogue paraphrased from the movie.

The Lady: I learned that to get ahead in the world I needed a [slang: male genitalia]
The Seagal: Well, I don't know if I would like you as much with a [male genitalia]. 'Specially if it were bigger than mine.
The Lady: I don't think that's possible. (Goooooooood night everybody/Yakko!)

Movie II: Bangkok Dangerous

This movie only gets a list because it was irredeemably bad.
  1. Nicholas Cage
  2. Nicholas Cage with way too much makeup/plastic surgery, dyed black hair, looking quite drag queeny
  3. His hearing impaired love interest points at the rain, points at herself, points at rain, points at herself, points at rain, points at herself and grunts to get the fact that her name is Rain. Though it's likely Thai for rain and not actually Rain.
  4. The sidekick is only slightly less annoying than Short Round
  5. Kotekitae, in the kitchen. Also, learning this has made me quite obnoxious. I often challenge the Dirty Fisherman to bouts and use my feet to win.
  6. I fell asleep so I don't remember anything else.
Movie threeee. Babylon AD.

I will forgive Michelle Yeoh for appearing in this. Vin Diesel, a name only synonymous with quality, stars in this futuristic movie. He's an outlaw that kills and skins a cat for dinner in the outland he inhabits. It looks like a Hollywood version of a dystopian, futuristic Russian slum. Nosy McFrench, Gerard Depardieu, plays a Russian Gangster who recruits Diesel to transport some speshul lady from a nunnery to NYC. Michelle Yeoh is her chaperon.

This magical lady freaks the heck out over everything and is supposed to look otherworldy and wise and beautiful but comes off as clueless and slack-jawed. (Aside, what is up with actors thinking magical = mouth open and eyes rolling around? see Tom Cruise in Legend for a good time).

On their journey they have to change clothes, walk across a frozen lake/ocean so a submarine can take them onward to somewhere else, ride snowgoes in white camo, and get shot. They make it to the city. There is some sort of mystery if this gurl is a bomb or an android or some doomsday device. She is none of those things! She is knocked up and about to deliver two magical l'il moppets. Diesel will be the father. Awesome.

That's a lot of entertainment for $3 plus tax. Plus I got to make fun of all the bad hair: Seagal's weird ponytail, Cage's bad dye job, Diesel's shiny pate.

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