Friday, January 30, 2009

The Claudes: Dreamscape

Sitka has the best library in the world. Really, for a town of about 8500 the variety is amazing. Since we are broke, we get movies from the library. There is a HUGE selection of movies there and they're FREE! Since we've seen most of the movies there, we noticed this little sticker on the back of some real stinkers: In memory of Claude A. Bryner 2007.

I don't know if the relatives of Mr. Bryner donated his collection of L-list action-adventures or someone bought all of these with him in mind. It doesn't matter because any awesome/awful movie that we rent gets called a "Claude." Claude is shorthand for the most recent Steven Seagal movie, mid-80's fantasy, or pulpy western.

The Dirty Fisherman and I are connoisseurs of the crap/cult movies. Just about the only other person who loves this stuff as much as we do is my Brother.

I thought I'd start off with the first movie we notices with the magical Claude sticker. It's a little-known movie from 1984 starring the triangle-grinning Dennis Quaid. (Or as my Brother calls him "the DQ".)
Picture the DQ, as a psychic, whiz-kid, who plays his saxophone of angst in his panties. He gets recruited by some sort of sciencey organization or another to fix people's lives through their dreams.

Basically, DQ is "smart" and hooks up to various other people through a series of tubes and wires and battles their dream demons. Like the one adorable Cousin Oliver looking moppet. They battle a snake (remember this, it's important...SNAKE). You can do anything you want in dreams if you imagine it. Cut through all of this dreamy sciencey crap are scenes of the president tossing and turning, experiencing his own nightmares. That headache you're feeling is the pounding of the foreshadowing anvil. WHO-WILL-HELP-THE-PRESIDENT?

Now, since it's 1984 there's an easily identifiable bad guy. You know he's bad because he dislikes DQ's soulful wailing on the sax. Also, he has shifty eyes. There's something about killing his dad too. I think that was important.

This bad guy (don't know his name, will call him shifty) is recruited by the shadowy guy who also works at the sciencey organization. They want to do evil with their psychic dream-adventuring so they rip off Nightmare on Elm Street. You know, if you die in your dreams you die in your life. Blah blah, I think there's a woman involved, but basically there is a battle royale between DQ and shifty for the president's life in the presidents dreams.

They are running around in some misty dream tubes. Oh, and DQ's psychic mojo is so fierce, he can connect to the president by placing his hands on the wall of the adjacent room. In this epic battle, shifty becomes the SNAKE--DQ haaaates snakes. It wasn't enough to rip off that Freddy Kreuger movie, they had to take some Indy too. DQ racks his brain...what will work. Those super toothy grins aren't working. Ohhh, clearly shifty has some daddy issues so DQ conjures his dad. Shifty snake man pretty much implodes over this and DQ wins!

Karma is a tough thing, though, Dreamscape pretty much ripped of like 8 movies for this one and the Cell used their entire plot!

Really, I know you can tell I haven't seen this movie in awhile. We even got it like 3 times from the library to show people because it was so awesome. If I remember correctly, my brother and I watched it the same weekend as "Hard to Kill" and "Breakin' 2, Electric Boogooloo."

So what movies have you seen that qualify?


My Brother called me. Apparently I missed a few key features of this awesome movie:

1. The woman is Kate Capshaw, I think she was "smart" in this movie. She may or may not have worn glasses.

2. There was sinister George Wendt (of Cheers, Space Truckers, and House of Reanimator fame). That way my Brother's favorite part.

3. The DVD special features have this Snake! button. You click it and shifty-eyes as the snake runs toward the screen (toward you, the unwitting viewer). It was so awesome, we watched it like 37 times.

Did I miss anything else oh Brother?

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